Falling Away
by NikkiNovak
Summary: Our instincts as humans is to hold tight to who we are no matter the situations we find ourselves in. The moment we let our guard down, the moment we let someone else take the lead, we find our sense of self falling away...
1. Chapter 1

**This is my first Supernatural fiction that I've made public. I tend to mix canon with AU so keep that in mind. I also take liberties with the existing timeline, so I know some things will seem off...but that's how it had to be. I hope you all enjoy!**

* * *

"_I just want you to know who I am…" Iris by Goo Goo Dolls_

My belief in heaven and hell was blurred with no real definition. I'd wandered numb with revenge and blood on my hands. I was a hunter, one of the few women that survived the damn job. My mother had been less than brave and skipped out the first chance she'd had. My Grandfather raised me on swear words, cigarettes and fried foods. I was a complete nightmare on the path to a jobless future. All that changed one exceptionally warm spring day in a back alley town in Indiana. My nerves were bad and my lip was busted. Two brothers found me, took me back to their cheap motel room and an angel, servant of the God I didn't believe in healed me. His approach was abrasive, much like Dean, the older of the two brothers. They wanted to know what happened to me and I wanted to know why they had an angel available on a whim.

* * *

"_Sam, over here!" The shorter of the two men called out to the other. I couldn't see their faces clearly because I'd just been given a headache and a split lip by some demon bitch. "She's fading, man. Grab her and let's go."_

_The one called Sam carried me to their car and put me gently in the back seat. I was far too exhausted to fight them or even open my mouth to say something. My Grandfather had turned up dead just two weeks earlier and I was fresh out of reasons not to go after the sick bastard that did it. That's how I ended up in the alley. _

_I floated in and out of consciousness but I could still hear the two men in the front seat talking in hushed tones. The tires rumbled underneath my body, droning on until I feel asleep. When I woke, I was lying on an extremely uncomfortable bed on my side. There was a single light on behind me and I could see a shadow, moving against the far wall. The urge to spin around and demand to know where I was and why was churning in my stomach but I resisted. There was a slight sense of peace in the air despite my desperation to just melt into the cheap bedspread and join my Grandfather; wherever it was he'd gone when he was killed._

"_I know you're frightened, Eliza." A gravelly voice erupted from behind me and I assumed that the shadow I'd been staring at on the wall belonged to the same person. _

_I remained silent, my act of defiance. Yet, he continued._

"_You being here is no coincidence and we mean you no harm." I could hear him behind me yet I didn't hear his approach. "Will you allow me to heal your wounds?"_

_

* * *

_

Everything I'd believed or hadn't believed was turned on its ass that day. My entire life was ripped up by the roots and it was up to me how to begin again. Sam and Dean were hunters, much like me. I knew about the seals and about Lucifer. I wasn't as good as them though I tried. All of that changed with the presence of Castiel.

Sam and Dean Winchester left Indiana behind which I was expecting. What I didn't expect was waking one morning to find Castiel standing idle in my living room. That first visit set into motion events that I'll only speak of one time. Things happened to me and between us that will always be special. He showed me life and I showed him love.

Falling in love for the first time is like taking a leap of faith; a jump from a tall cliff without being able to see the bottom. Euphoria sets in and your heart beats at a rapid pace. Your sweat glands work overtime. The color in your cheeks appears and you look alive. I loved Castiel but our love was not typical first love. I could feel him in my bones, in my soul. It happened quickly and we never discussed the prospect. We would spend what little time there usually was together, sometimes in silence.

I will never forget the moment of recognition; the moment we both realized that he and I were one.

We stood side by side, staring lazily at the moon hung low in the sky. My breathing was calm, my chest rising and falling with each necessary breath. "There's so much I don't understand about this world."

Castiel turned his gaze toward me, stoic as always. "You are not meant to know everything, Eliza."

"Will you tell me why you keep coming back, Cas? Am I going to die?"

"All humans expire."

"Is that a yes or no?" Sometimes his blunt delivery rubbed me the wrong way. "You may walk around in some guy's body, mingling with the humans but you aren't anything like us."

His face was curious as he turned and grabbed me by both shoulders. "Do you know what it's like to rebel against your nature? To cast aside everything that you are meant for and place hope in two humans?"

"This is about Sam and Dean, Cass? Last time I checked, you're here with me and they are somewhere else, doing whatever it is they do." My skin was throbbing where his hands were pressing too hard.

"Being here is wrong. These…feelings are not in my nature but I feel them and I act on them. That's why I am here and not with Sam and Dean."

We stared back and forth for what felt like an eternity. An incessant ringing from Castiel's pocket broke the spell we were under yet, he didn't answer. "It's the only way I can find Sam and Dean," he admitted in response to my questioning gaze.

"I wish you wouldn't leave."

His face contorted, finally showing some sort of reaction. "You can't ask me to do that, Eliza. I can't stay here while the world is falling apart and there's chaos in heaven."

"Don't you long for something that's real, Cas?" I grabbed his hand and pressed it against my chest. My heart beat rapidly just like it always did when he was near me.

He frowned and looked away. "This can't be. It doesn't matter how you feel or how I feel. This cannot be."

I was in love with someone I could never have. It was a punishment I inflicted on myself daily. Still, I held tight to my faith while Castiel's faltered. I filled his ears with words of love and encouragement every visit he paid me. I'd wake to find him in my house and I would pull him to sit alongside me on the bed. I would tell him about my childhood though he knew all about me already. Sometimes he would caress my face softly as if he wanted to kiss me though he never did. Physical love was not possible in his eyes. He didn't love on the same plane that I did. It didn't stop me from trying.

"One day you'll see. You'll open your eyes wherever you are and realize that I loved you so completely and severely. You will regret not telling me how you feel."

His eyes began to water and the hope that I'd finally gotten through to him was back. Then…he was gone.

"Damn it!" I cried, looking upward. I kicked at loose stones in anger. "You'll be back! You can't leave me forever, Castiel!"

He stayed away for three weeks. My emotions were at an all time high and I was constantly on edge. The thought of losing him so suddenly and without resolution was almost too much to handle. I'd given up hunting, taken a regular job and put myself on the straight and narrow for him…all for him.

One morning, almost a month after I'd last seen him, I received a call from Dean Winchester.

"Can you get away?" He asked as soon as I answered the phone.

"Dean is that you?"

"Yeah, of course it's me. Listen, I'm not into this whole angel and human thing you've got going on with Cas but-"

"Dean! Just tell me what the hell you want!"

"He needs you Eliza. He's laid up in some hospital with no money and well I'm busy kicking apocalypse ass and takin names."

I grabbed a piece of paper and my eyeliner because I couldn't find a pen. "Give me the address."

It didn't matter that I drove for two days on money that was supposed to be for my rent and it didn't matter that Castiel hadn't called me at all. Loyalty was all I had left as a weapon to break down his walls. When I reached the hospital, he was still there. I stood in the open doorway and watched him while he slept. Last I checked, angels didn't sleep. He looked peaceful yet I couldn't pry myself from my spot in the doorway.

My clothes were wrinkled and my hair was a mess. I still looked better than Castiel. His face was bruised in several places, his lip busted and there were faint bags under his eyes. Eyes that opened when I finally built the courage to move closer. They were bloodshot but happy to see me none the less, I could tell.

"Dean called you." It was more a statement than anything.

I nodded, biting my nails.

He looked toward the window. "I'm human."

My heart skipped a beat. "Wha…what?" I laughed nervously. "You're human?"

"I don't know how or why but yes, I'm human and I'm starving."

There was no stopping the tears that flooded my face and frankly I didn't care. I'd missed his company. I was half laughing and crying when I realized that he needed me just as much as I needed him. "Let's get you out of here," I said, pressing my lips to his forehead.

I gave the hospital my credit card to cover what I could of the bill and signed him out of his room. He leaned on me for support as he limped down the hall in his torn clothes and a beard that had been growing for at least two days. He didn't smell so great but nothing could ruin my moment. He was human and even though it was against my instincts I wouldn't investigate the reason why until after we'd had a chance to talk.

There was a motel on the highway where I checked us in and left Cas to shower while I found him something decent to wear. Because he'd said he was starving I stopped at a small burger place and picked us up some early dinner. I'd never seen him eat a thing. The possibilities excited me.

He was sitting on the bed in a towel when I finally walked through the motel door once again. My heart ached at the sight of him. He looked lost but I would do everything I could to help him.

"Are you all right?" I asked, handing him the clothes I'd bought.

"I'll be fine."

I unwrapped the food and set it out on the cheap laminate table that had come with our room. "I have no idea what you'll like but I got a couple different things just in case."

Castiel's hand came to rest on mine, stopping my progress in opening his dinner. I looked up to him, seeing appreciation in his gaze. "Thank you, Eliza."

"You're welcome." I looked away, overwhelmed with emotion.

"You have been dedicated to me, even though I left."

The anger was back as I thought about the weeks I spent agonizing over him. "What now, Cas?" I asked. My sudden anger surprised him.

"You are upset with me, I understand that."

"Upset? Fuck, Cas…you have no idea how much I love you. I have always been yours even though you couldn't and wouldn't have me. When Dean called I didn't think twice about coming to help."

"And yet here you are still." There was a slight glint to his eyes.

I sighed, which sounded more like a groan in the end. "Sit down and eat, your food is getting cold."

He devoured both burgers and an order of fries, not to mention half a cup of soda. I found joy in watching him discover how things tasted and felt as he held them in his hands. We were both silent the entire time. Eventually my lids begin to feel heavy. I'd had very little sleep during my impromptu road trip. Without a word I left Castiel at the table and crawled into bed, clothes and all.

Sometime in the middle of the night, though I'm not sure exactly what time, I woke. I opened my eyes and was immediately staring right into Cass'. I gasped in surprise and startled him.

"I didn't mean to wake you," he apologized. "There's something I want to say."

I stretched my limbs before nodding my approval. "I'm awake now, what's going on?"

"I don't understand the feelings I'm having. I want to act on them but _how _is the mystery here.

"OK then. Describe your feelings and I'll tell you how a human would normally react." I laughed, highly amused at his predicament.

"Showing you what I mean would be easier."

I chuckled, not taking him seriously. "Sure, go for it."

Before I knew what was happening he had his mouth pressed against mine. He kissed me like it was our last day on earth and for him that was quite possible. When I pulled away from him he was breathing hard. There a satisfied and shocked look on his face.

"I'm definitely human," he murmured.

"That was the best kiss I've ever had." I looked him right in the eye and smiled easily. "I didn't know it was possible to love you more than I did before."

I kissed him again, but with fervor. All the pent up frustration and emotion was slowly unraveling and spilling from me through my actions. I took handfuls of his shirt in one fist and hair in the other. Our breaths were staggered and we were quickly losing control. Then his phone rang.

"I have to answer it," Castiel said as he pulled free of my grasp.

"Yeah, of course."

"Hello Dean," he answered as if we weren't making out like animals two seconds earlier.

"Where are you?" I heard Dean's voice through the phone's earpiece.

"I'm with Eliza. We were just about to give in to the carnal sins of man."

I sighed and fell backwards on the bed.

"Dude, you're about to give Eliza the heavenly treatment? Cas, man I didn't know you had it in ya."

"I can hear you Dean!" I called in frustration. I could imagine the pair of them cackling like old women wherever they were.

Castiel glanced at me before stepping outside to finish his phone call. I knew how things would go after. Dean would insist on coming to get him because I had no place in the fight they were gearing up for. The Apocalypse was over my head as far as the Winchester's were concerned. There was one advantage to Castiel's position; he was always honest with me.

"We have to go," he said, stepping back into the room.

"Where are _we_ going?" I threw the tangled sheets off my legs and stood.

"Dean and Sam need me."

"And they're coming to get you right?"

Castiel shook his head. "No. I insisted you take me."

My jaw hit the floor in such a clichéd move…I was shocked. I checked the clock on the bedside table; it was past three in the morning. Not that time meant anything to angels or hunters.

"Well," I said still in a daze from the events of the evening. "We'd better get going."

I drove my car in silence, reliving the heated moments I'd shared with my angel just hours before. He was quiet next to me in the passenger seat though he wasn't asleep. My mind wandered as the white lines of the highway flickered past.

* * *

"_I'm Dean and this is Sam…that's Castiel." Dean pointed to the man in a trench coat, the angel that I'd just let heal me. "Look, we need to know how you ended up in that alley. We think..." he hesitated, "that you're after the same demon bitch we are."_

_My mouth turned down into a frown. "She killed my Grandfather, he was all I had." I watched as recognition washed over their faces._

"_It's Lilith," Sam said with a frown that rivaled my own. "Was your Grandfather a hunter?" He asked me directly. _

_I nodded slowly. "He wasn't the best person but he took care of me and taught me everything I know." _

"_We don't run into many women in this…business." Sam's face eased into a friendly smile. _

"_I was in the wrong place, wrong time today. I should have known better." I hung my head in shame, I'd been taught better. _

"_Listen, Lilith is a nasty one. You did what you could and now Sammy and I will do the rest." Dean pulled on his jacket and tucked his phone back into his pocket. "Stay here with Cas, you'll be fine."_

_Then they were gone and I was left with the socially awkward angel. His gaze was intense._

_

* * *

_

"Cas, remember that first night…that night you healed me?" I could see him nod slightly from the corner of my eye. "You were the one who sent the boys to me, weren't you?"

"How did you come to that conclusion?"

"Come on, Dean and Sam just happened to be in the same town and in the same area that day. You just happened to be there to heal me? I'm not an idiot."

Castiel exhaled and turned to look through the window. "Eliza, you ask too many questions."

I laughed even though his answer frustrated me. "At least tell me what I'm getting into. Can you at least give me that much?"

"There are dangers in knowing too much."

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, trying to hold my temper. "Are we really back to this?"

"This is my fault. I've given you far too much reason to hope."

I pulled the car off the road and onto the shoulder. "Hope for what, Castiel?" I turned toward him, tears in my eyes. "That you'd actually come out and say you love me? That we could ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after?" I growled and threw the door open.

Castiel followed me as I stormed away from the car, off into the grass.

"I know we can't be together, OK? I know that! You're an angel and I'm a hunter…let's face it, our days are numbered whether we like it or not. But…" I turned and glared at him. "There is no reason we can't love each other."

Cas looked toward the ground, clearly uncomfortable with the situation. "I have taken notice of all the things you have done for me."

"I tried to live a normal life for you…just like you asked. I sacrificed, which is what you do for the people you love."

The statement elicited a genuine reaction from the angel and it shocked me. "I was selfish! I let these human emotions infiltrate my knowledge of what is right and what is wrong. I should not have done what I did but all I can do is hope for forgiveness from my father. Perhaps that is why I'm now void of my abilities."

My mind was racing at the revelations. He'd been hiding something from me all along which I halfway suspected considering who I was dealing with. "What do you know, Cas?" I balled my hands into fists out of anger.

"We have somewhere to be."

I'd lost the moment. Once Castiel shut down it was like squeezing blood from a turnip, impossible, to get any sort of response. I sighed heavily and walked past him, shaking my head the whole way. There was heavy silence the rest of our car ride together.

Castiel and I met up with the Winchester brothers in the morning after the sun had risen. Dean and Castiel separated from the group and disappeared, leaving me with Sam. I didn't know either guy well enough to call them friends. Most of what I knew was through Cas so I couldn't help but feel slightly anxious in the presence of a very tall, almost stranger.

"It's good to see you again, Eliza," Sam said with the same easy smile he'd given me the night I first met them. "How've you been?"

I scraped the toe of my tennis shoe against the concrete. "I've been all right I guess, though I've probably been fired from my job by now."

"You aren't hunting anymore?" He looked confused. "Castiel never mentioned that. Do you uh, do you need to get home or something?"

"No…I'm already here anyway." I smiled up at him, trying to break the icy exterior that I'd been collecting since the moment on the side of the road with Cas. "So, do they always disappear like that?" I motioned toward the returning figures of the angel and Dean.

"Yeah," Sam laughed. "Something tells me I'm not heaven's favorite."

"Really? Why's that?"

Sam rubbed the back of his neck uncomfortably. "Well…it's a long story."

"Is it because you're Lucifer's vessel?" I knew about the deal with Dean and Sam and the end of the world.

Sam nodded wordlessly. "Among other things."

In a move unlike myself I put my hand on his arm and squeezed. "Hey, shit happens. Right? We're all just walking brains with too many secrets and regrets."

"Eliza, Dean and I need to speak with you." Castiel called to me from the doorway of their hotel room.

I glanced back at Sam as turned to enter the room. His face was strained and I wondered just how many secrets I'd been left out of and if I'd just gotten myself into a whole shit load of trouble.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

* * *

The air in the motel room was stagnant, stale almost to an uncomfortable level. Dean pulled a chair from the table and nodded for me to sit. He didn't look pleased and suddenly I dreaded hearing what it was he wanted to tell me. Castiel stood off in the background, staring at me as he often did.

"I can't take all the secrecy guys; someone tell me something." I ran my hands through my hair in frustration.

Dean cleared his throat and then took a seat across from me on the end of the bed. "Listen Eliza, I know you're not in the life anymore…but uh-"

"You need something from me, right?" I scoffed and stood to pace the small space. "I _knew_ it. I knew it would be come back and bite me in the ass."

"What's that now?" Dean asked confused. He turned to look at Castiel who remained silent.

I turned sharply to glare at the older Winchester. "I thought I was out. I thought I was out and was out for good."

Dean laughed. "Well, sweetheart, I don't know who told you it was permanent but I'd demand a refund and then kick their ass."

"Eliza," Castiel began.

"Don't even start, Cas. You knew he wanted something from me."

"This is true." He gave in far too easily which meant there was a whole world of unspoken words underneath his calm exterior.

I rolled my eyes and turned back to Dean. "So why is Sam out there and not in here?"

He looked uncomfortable and a little sad. "We don't know each other well, I get that. Can you just hear me out?"

"Fine," I said with a huff as I fell back to the empty chair. I crossed my arms and settled in.

With one final glance at the angel, Dean began to explain just why I was suddenly involved once again. He gave me the cliffs notes version of Sam and his addiction to demon blood. He stumbled through an altered version of Sam being Lucifer's vessel. By the time Dean felt I was sufficiently informed my head was spinning with details.

"Where do I fit into all of this?" I asked in a quiet voice. I almost didn't want to hear the answer because part of me already knew.

Dean and Castiel exchanged a glance. "Cas and I, we're gonna gank Lucifer and well…we don't want Sammy anywhere near that bastard. We need you to babysit."

"Babysit? As in, take care of your brother while you hunt Lucifer?"

Cas shifted, almost uncomfortable. "Essentially, yes."

"Huh," I said in disbelief. "And I was arrogant enough to think you wanted me to hunt with you guys."

"It's not safe, Eliza." Both myself and Dean cast a questioning look in Cas' direction.

"So, yes or no?" Dean asked, recovering from his curiosity.

I rolled all the information I'd been fed around in my brain. There was no question that my job wouldn't be waiting for me if/when I returned home. The state of the world…the existence of millions of people rested on the shoulders of the Winchesters.

"Yeah, I'll do it but I have a few conditions."

A smirk grew on Dean's face. "I can do conditions."

I stood and straightened my clothes. "I need to make on trip home, grab clothes and stuff. I don't have much with me."

"We're not talkin' makeup and hairspray right? Because then I'm gonna have to go with hell no."

"Dean," Castiel interjected, "let her go."

"What the hell is going on with you, man?"

Cas crossed and room and laid a hand on my shoulder. "Sam can escort Eliza home."

A light bulb went on in Dean's brain. "Think he'll go for it?"

"No."

I brushed Castiel's hand away. "Wait just a minute. First, stop talking about me like I'm not here and second, I'm supposed to ride all the way home with some guy who I don't know?"

Dean nodded. "Yeah, pretty much."

* * *

"They've been out there for hours." I peeked through the curtain to check on Dean and Sam who had been arguing in the Impala for at least two hours.

"Don't worry, Dean will convince Sam." I could feel the angel's presence directly behind me.

"Why do you have so much faith in Dean Winchester, Cas? Surely being human the last few days has taught you a thing or two about us." My voice was sad, it matched my mood.

"Why do you have so much faith in me?"

"Touché." I turned and gripped his face gently with both my hands. "I guess we're all far too involved to back out now. Different situations, same outcome…"

"Eliza-"

"Why did you suggest I take Sam home with me? I barely know him."

There was a flash of pain in his eyes. I knew then that something bigger was lurking underneath the whole babysitting facade. "Sam cannot say yes to Lucifer."

I glanced over my shoulder once to make sure the boys were still in the car having their discussion and then back to Castiel. "You're going to face the devil. If there were a time to be worried, now would be it." My thumb ran along his jaw line before I could stop myself. "I'm terrified."

He looked away, leaving my hand empty. My heart ached for him, for the shit we'd been brought to face and for the lack of relationship between us. Before the doubtful thoughts took root his eyes returned to mine and my breath caught in my throat.

"Nothing will happen to you," he assured me. The intensity in his eyes was one of my favorite things about him.

"You can't be sure. I'm involved now."

"I won't let anything happen."

"Cas, I can't have this vague round and round discussion with you now…" I turned toward the window. "The guys are right outside."

His hands gripped both my shoulders and I gave him my full attention once again. "There is something you should know in case I die."

The hesitation in his voice worried me. He never had any trouble saying just what he meant to say. "What is it?"

"Eliza, if I do not return you should know that-"

"Can you believe him?" Dean cried, bursting through the motel room door like he was on a mission.

Castiel backed away from me immediately, but not before Dean caught us in the act of the embrace. The moment was gone and I knew enough to realize I may never hear what he was about to tell me.

"Whoa, hey." Dean held his hands up and shook his head. "Cas, sorry man. I didn't know you were…busy." He smirked. "You were busy. Damn, that's a new one."

When I didn't laugh Dean's amusement turned to remorse but he didn't leave us alone. Castiel, still without his heavenly powers took a seat on the green pleather couch. A sigh escaped my parted lips but no one spoke. It was up to me to break the awkward silence.

"So…Sam didn't go for the babysitter idea?" I asked.

Dean grinned. "Oh he's going with you don't worry. He just needs some time to blow off steam."

"Come on Dean, we barely know each other but I can tell you're leaving the best part out."

"Hey! Who wants a burger?" He sidestepped my question entirely but I didn't have the energy to argue.

I politely declined and stayed behind to get some rest. My head was pounding as I lay down on the firm mattress to sleep. The last thing I remember was the quiet rattle of the air conditioner kicking on. When I came to once again the room was pitch black. I could make out the bed next to the one I was sleeping in and it was still empty. The low tones of Castiel's voice floated toward me from the thin motel room door.

I rose from the bed, peeling my tank top away from my damp skin. My curiosity got the best of me and in no time the window had been silently opened so I could hear what was going on right outside.

"Cas, give me something here. I mean…what are we gonna do with her?" Dean sounded angry.

"Eliza is strong willed. She will follow her own path."

I hated that they were having a disagreement about me but I couldn't stop myself from listening.

Dean sat on the hood of the car; I could hear the creak of the metal as it sunk under his weight. "She's involved now. What happens if Lucifer gets a hold of her? I can't put anyone else's life in danger."

"Calm down Dean. Her future is set, I have seen it."

"Wait, what?" I could hear the building anger in Dean's voice and I sympathized. Castiel was often infuriating. "What aren't you telling me Cas?"

Castiel sighed and I listened, holding my breath so I didn't miss a thing. "I will make sure she is safe."

"You got a thing for this girl?"

"A thing?" Castiel asked, confused.

Dean laughed. "Well you were about to give her the old one, two when I called. Have you shown her the goods or…felt her up at least?"

"She is listening."

I gasped and ran away from the window, almost falling back into the bed. I'd just barely made it when Dean and Cas appeared. I feigned sleep even though Cas knew better but I didn't have the energy to face him. The morning would come too fast.

The sun had just risen when I woke again. I turned over on my back and let my eyes adjust to the sunshine streaming in through the yellowed blinds. Motes of dust floated in the rays and it made me miss home. I missed waking up to Castiel being there after seeking my comfort in the middle of the night. Something about the conversation I'd overheard the night before put a seed of doubt in my stomach and the possibility of never having that again was looming. Of course, being involved in the apocalypse also put a bright red x on my head.

"Morning."

The voice startled me. I turned my head to the bed next to me. Sam was there, putting his shoes on. "Morning," I said sheepishly.

"Dean and Castiel are gone, it's just us. I'm ready whenever you are."

His tone was forced but I knew he wasn't happy about going off with me while his brother was off preventing Lucifer from killing everyone on earth. Then again, I had no right to presume I knew how Sam felt. He was meant to let the devil in, to let him ride around in his meat suit while he took a back seat. That was enough to send a lesser man to his grave, one way or another. I was essentially the buffer, the excuse to keep Sam as far away from Lucifer as I could. It wasn't something I was confident I could do.

"I just need a shower and I'm good." I sat up in bed to stretch. "Listen…" I said as Sam grabbed the door handle to leave. He stopped but didn't turn. "I'm sorry you have to tag along with me."

His shoulders tensed a bit. "It's not your fault. I'll be at the diner, getting some breakfast."

I growled, beating my fists on the mattress when he was gone. If I had to ride with that attitude all the way to my house I would strangle him. My shower was borderline miserable which didn't make things better. I was in a foul mood by the time I stalked through the door at the diner across the street. Sam was halfway through some sort of Belgian waffle when I slid into the booth.

"I guess hot water is a luxury around here," I mumbled from behind the menu.

The clink of a cup and the pouring of coffee brought my attention to the brooding man across from me. He was pouring me a cup of coffee. "How do you take it?" he asked lightly.

"Today? Black and strong as hell."

"Well," Sam half laughed, "this coffee is just about to walk away on its own so wish granted."

"Is _that_ any good?" I asked, pointing at his waffle and cradling my precious cup of coffee.

"No, not really." He poked at the thing with his fork.

A slightly awkward silence fell between the two of us. I cleared my throat and chugged the scalding coffee. Sam was right, it was horrible. "Listen, this wasn't my idea. I'll get in and get out as quickly as possible."

He shrugged with one arm. "Don't worry about it. You ready?"

I took a deep breath, smoothed my hair from my face and nodded. I replayed the directions Dean and Castiel had given me in the back of my mind. _Keep an eye on Sam. Make sure he doesn't disappear. Always be prepared for anything, you're a target now._

I'm a target.

"I'm over there," I directed Sam to my car.

He tossed his bag in the back seat and fell rather reluctantly into the passenger side. I stole glances at him as I drove though I'm sure he could feel me stalking him from the corner of my eye. Just a day earlier there was an angel in the very seat that the vessel for Lucifer was currently occupying. Sam didn't know that I knew and when Dean told me, he didn't know that Castiel had filled me in. It was a sick grapevine and we were all gossiping twelve year olds.

Then again, I wasn't ignorant. I knew there was an ulterior motive to Sam and myself being together. If the Devil wanted Sam, he wasn't just going to sit around and wait for him to show up. He would seek Sam out and unfortunately I was with him. It made Castiel's desperate actions from the motel room make so much more sense.

"So…"Sam turned toward me suddenly. "What's going on with you and Cas?"

I smiled, giving myself way immediately. "There isn't really anything going on. He's…well I love him."

Sam's eyebrows furrowed. "You love him even though you know nothing will ever happen?"

"Look Debbie Downer, stop raining on my parade." I switched the radio off. "I don't know why everyone thinks I'm so freaking' naïve and dumb to the way this all works."

"I know what you mean."

"Dean's sort of overbearing, huh?" I felt sorry for the younger Winchester. He'd really drawn the shit card when it came to the direction of his life.

"Things haven't been OK with Dean and me lately but you don't want to get involved…"

"In case you haven't noticed I'm already involved." I wondered if Sam had the same suspicions I did about our forced pairing.

"Yeah," he laughed. "Well, I'm sorry about Dean. He thinks he has to protect me and in the process he gets innocent people involved."

I didn't know how to respond so I kept quiet. After that Sam fell asleep and he stayed that way. He didn't move until the sun had gone and I stopped at a motel because my ass was past numb. I got us a room, tossed him the key and headed toward the tiny bar in the same parking lot. Castiel called me just as I was about to grab the rusty handle and go in.

"Where are you?"

"About halfway there."

"You're angry," he observed.

"No…yeah. Hell I don't know Cas. I'm just confused at the moment. Why would you send me away with Sam? Do you really think that Lucifer is going to sit around and knit panties while we're driving, practically unguarded to MY house?"

He sighed on the other end of the phone. "Eliza, there are reasons for everything. There is an order that we have to get back to."

"What are you talking about?" As far as I was concerned, he was speaking another language. There was no answer and I checked the screen. "Damn it!"

"Hey…" Sam came up behind me, unsure if he should get any closer.

"Sorry." I held up my cell. "Damn thing dropped my call."

"Want a beer?" Sam asked, shoving his hands in his pockets.

"I might need more than one, but sure."

He opened the door for me and we went in. After my most recent conversation with Castiel I was even more suspicious of the motive behind me babysitting Sam.

* * *

"I've done things…"Sam muttered in the dark.

We'd been back from the bar for about an hour. We were lying in our respective beds, in the pitch black of the motel room. Sam had talked me into drinking with him and I would come to regret that choice.

"What are you talking about?" I asked him, annoyed. All I wanted to do was pass out and dream about a morning free of a hangover.

He sat up in bed; I could hear the sheets rustling. "There was this…Ruby. She's…she was a demon."

I sat up, unable to even think about sleeping. "Did you love her?"

"You know about Ruby?" he asked.

I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. "Not really. I know you two were close."

He scoffed and left his bed, only to sit across from me on mine. "She screwed me over and I freed Lucifer. I trusted the wrong person. I trusted a demon over my own brother."

There was a hint of desperation in his voice. I had a feeling that he wouldn't be telling me anything if he were sober. "Sam, you don't have to tell me this stuff OK?"

"You deserve to know who's riding around in your car. He'll find us."

I jumped up from the bed and stood by the window, the only place in the room where there was any light. "They knew he'd follow us, didn't they? They're setting us up."

"Dean wouldn't do that…"

"Are you sure about that, Sam?"

"Whoa back up." He moved across the small room until he was looming over me, half bathed in the moonlight streaking in through the cheap curtain. "What makes you think Lucifer wants me?"

I fidgeted, trying to think of a way out of the corner I'd painted myself into.

"You know. Right?" Sam took another step towards me.

"Castiel told me. I also know about Dean and Michael."

Sam looked away. "You knew and still got yourself involved?"

"The only reason I quit was because…well I had my reasons, but you know as well as I do that you can't leave the life. There is always something waiting around the corner. There's always something waiting in the dark…"

Sam's phone rang and I ended my rant, swallowing back the all the animosity I had toward my own life and the way I was raised. Rather than answer the call in my presence, Sam left the room. I wasn't about to follow him, despite my clear orders to not let him out of my sight. He could go jump the devil train for all I cared. My mind was on Castiel.

We didn't roll out of bed until sometime past eleven the next day. Apparently, drinking didn't agree with me anymore than it used to because the first thing I did was run for the bathroom. It took great determination to get dressed but I did it. With my bag in hand and sunglasses on my face I ventured out into the daylight.

Sam was there, leaning against the driver's door, hiding behind a pair of his own sunglasses. "I can drive," he croaked.

"I'm a big girl, I can drive." I pushed him out of the way and tossed my bag in the back seat. "Stop being so damn courteous would ya? It's going to make me sick again."

"Whatever," he mumbled.

My head throbbed with every rotation of the tires and with every pulse I regretted drinking so much. The events since finding a very human Castiel in some random hospital had most likely gotten to me. I blamed my bad judgment on that alone.

"Can you roll your window down? It's really hot in here." I asked Sam, who was silently brooding on his side of the car.

"Doesn't yours work?" He rested his forehead on his hand.

"Yes…the window works but I have a raging headache and the wind from _my _window will only make it worse."

"Can you pull the car over?" He asked, totally ignoring my rambling.

I came to a stop along the side of the road. We were the only car for miles and it was probably a good thing. "Feeling queasy I see…" I taunted him as he jogged off into the field. "You know, Dean said you'd come around eventually about this whole deal but I think he might be wrong. I think you're going to be a dick to me the entire way."

"Do you mind?" Sam glanced at me from his hunched stance. "I'm a little busy here."

I hopped up on the trunk of my car and stared off down the road. "You know, your brother sure doesn't trust you…I'm not sure Cas does either. What did you do to them, Sam?"

He wiped at his mouth and stood straight. "What the hell did you say?" He asked, hands on hips.

"I said, what did you do? To make Dean take Castiel's side over yours."

"You don't know a damn thing about me or Dean." He approached me quickly, quicker than I expected. "You're just some girl that Castiel won't admit he loves and so he leads you on so you won't go anywhere else."

My mouth hung open in shock. "You're a real piece of work Sam Winchester. You don't have a right to presume to know me at all."

"Oh and you have a right to form an opinion on me? You don't know the half of it so until you do, you should just keep your presumptions to yourself." He took off down the road.

I got back in the car and watched him walk away. There was a town about a mile and a half down the road; I'd pick him up there. Pissed, I yanked my phone out and tried to call Cas. He had so much explaining to do.


End file.
